Twas the night before school starts....

I love the feeling of the school on the last night of summer. These rooms have been quiet and cool all summer.  Each has been in various state of disarray all summer, as teachers take down the trappings of last year and begin planning for the next year. These last days before schools starts have been filled with all the final little tasks. Sharpening hundreds of pencils. Hanging paper and borders on bulletin boards. Carefully writing each student's name on folders, binder dividers, seat markers. Rearranging tables and chairs.

Slowly, the energy has been building. More and more teachers coming to school each day. Different music pumping out into the blinding heat of summer as we all find the right beat to motivate us through poster hanging and lesson planning. We poke our heads into each others rooms, asking "you ready?", "how's it going?" and smile at each other with a hint of giddy joy.

Tonight the anticipation is so thick that you can almost taste it. Everyone has gone home to relax, to lay out their outfits for tomorrow, get some sleep. I walk through the rooms as the light outside dims. Everything is in place. Perfect pink erasers, scissors and new pencils on tables. Chairs stacked neatly or placed out at tables. Bulletin boards that are smooth and empty, waiting to be filled with art, writing and projects.

Tomorrow they will be filled with a bright, hot burst of excitement, with the sounds of children greeting old friends and meeting new ones. They will rush towards the building in their brand new first-day-of-school outfits, all nerves and smiles.  Tomorrow, the hallways will be full of parents...proud, loving and slightly misty-eyed as they watch their children head into another year. They will whisper to each other, "I can't believe she is in ___ grade", "just yesterday he was in Kindergarten". Tomorrow, the teachers will step onto the stage of their classrooms, bursting with the joy of the journey they are about to start on.

There is such a burst of pride in me as I look around. This started as just a dream, a spark of hope in my mothers soul. And what a dream it was. A dream that spread to my father, to me, to my sister. We built this. From the ground up. With our sweat and worry and love and hope, we nurtured this dream, fanned the flames. And one by one, other people joined us and what a team we are. Some of the best and most beautiful people I know. People who poured so much of themselves into the building of this dream. Until a school, a community was born. And what a school it is. A place that ignites passion and creativity and confidence and love of learning. A place that has changed lives. A place that I am honored, humbled, blessed to be a part of.

It was worse than I thought.

If you are weirded out/bored by female hormone medical stuff, you probably should skip this post. I'm writing this all down for a couple of reasons, 1) there are a few people who have been waiting to know all of this and it is easier to inform them all at once and 2) I'm feeling the need to put this down in writing for the therapeutic effect that it will (I hope) have.

So once again, I'm going to try to write this post. I have started and stopped it at least six or seven times in the last week or so. I needed a few days to wrap my head around it, I guess. 

Most of you know that I have been feeling icky this last year, with all kinds of random problems that can basically be summed up by saying that I have not felt like my body is my own anymore. After doing a six week hormone panel, I got the results back two weeks ago and we found that basically, my body is having pretty serious trouble regulating any of my hormone levels. Everything was off balance and/or bouncing all over the place. But the most serious was my estrogen and progesterone levels. My estrogen levels were unbelievably high, in a condition called estrogen dominance. 

Estrogen levels that high are dangerous, causing all kinds of terrible things like breast cancer, uterine fibroids or bone loss. An imbalance like this also causes hypothyroidism, which explains how terrible I have been feeling, but also brings along a whole other host of issues.

And my progesterone levels are horrible.

 And with progesterone levels this low, pregnancy is nearly impossible. With levels this low, getting pregnant would be a miracle and, even if I were to pull off that miracle, I would have very high chances of a miscarriage. My doctor says that it can generally be reversed in women my age, but I have wanted to be a mother since I was three years old and the thought of infertility or miscarriage is terrifying to me. There is this lurking fear in the corner of my soul that I am having trouble shaking off. 

We have a plan now. I'm following an estrogen detox program and taking Diindolylmethane to increase my estrogen metabolism. Progesterone cream to increase those levels. A ton of vitamins and supplements that increase absorption and effectiveness of aforementioned things and to support my liver which is going to be working overtime to (hopefully) pull all this estrogen out of my blood. 

I am trying to be at peace with this and doing what I can to support my body as I try to shift this imbalance. 

I am reminding myself that there are people all over the world who are in terrible pain or suffering and that I should be grateful for the resources and medical care that I have access to.  

I am trying to remember that, even if this is not correctable, everything happens for a reason and that there will always be a purpose, a lesson or a silver lining to this even if I can't see it now. 

When I was a child, the garden was one of my favorite places to be on a hot summer day. There was a large steel tank that served as a pool...just the right depth for two little girls to swim in. After splashing around and creating whirlpools until we were dizzy, my sister and I would grab our beach towels and head to the garden to dry in the sun. I would lay my towel out on the gravel path that ran along the tomato bed, reach through the heavy green leaves and pluck the biggest, reddest tomato that I could find, then stretch out to bask in the sun. I would nibble slowly, often trying to peel the skin away with my teeth before taking a huge bite.
To this day, I can close my eyes and bring back every part of those moments in the garden...the smell of sunshine on the tomato vines, the tang of tomato juice on my lips, the slightly dulled edges of the gravel pushing into my back through the towel and the feel of my hair slowly drying in the heat.

We had friends over for dinner last night. Before dinner, we walked around the farm and garden with them, delighting in watching their three-year old son, T, experience the joy of growing things. With a wicker basket bumping his little knees, he ventured fearlessly into the chicken coop to collect eggs, then off into the garden in search of tomatoes and peppers. When his dad dug up some of the potatoes, T happily ran up to take them, putting them in his  increasingly heavy basket, while proudly proclaiming how "tough" he was to be able to carry so much.

Some people would say that laying in a sun-drenched tomato patch did not "teach" me anything. But I would disagree. Children are naturally curious and go through the world with such joy and enthusiasm. Anything and everything is wondrous to them. T was out there asking questions about goat's milk and why the green grapes were sour. And maybe the answers to these questions are not life altering, but the fact that his parents take the time to answer all those questions and let him run around in the garden finding new things to ask about...that is life altering. And maybe eating tomatoes in the garden did not teach me arithmetic or spelling...but it gave me an appreciation and a joy for the little things. And what better way to teach a child about kindness and gentleness than to raise them around animals? What better way to learn respect for your surroundings than to see firsthand how the ground produces the food that you eat?

Maybe I won't have the time, space or money to create a farm and garden as large and rich as my mother's is, but I am determined that my children will grow up knowing the joys of a summer garden.

Happy August

August has arrived and everything is lush and ripe in a lazy, hot summer day kind of way. Outside the sun is beating down, turning the flowers into vibrant splashes of color and dappling the ground in patterns of greens, browns and golds.

 With only the slightest of breezes, the air is heavy with the slow drone of bees. It smells alive...a heady mix of rich earth, tomato vines, roses and drying grasses. 

In the front, there are... 

...dogs napping...

...and hanging pots bursting with portulaca.

Just behind the house, you'll see...

 ...that the trumpet vine is growing tall with its arrogantly coral blooms... 

...while grapes and strawberries slowly ripen in the sunlight. 

Take a wander back to the vegetable gardens and you'll find... 

...that the ears of corn are growing... 

...and that the first flush of red is appearing on the tomatoes. 

And if you look closely enough,

maybe you'll discover what is hidden beneath the leaves of the pepper plants. 
If you point these out to F, he will grin and cheer for around here he is known as the 
Proud Pepper Papa
and these are his favorite of all the growing things in the garden.

How does August feel where you are?

This and That

Have you ever taken a hike that ends with an awe-inspiring, breath-taking view? Do you remember that moment just before you see it? Maybe you are just about to break over the top of the mountain, or just leaving the tree line, approaching the cliff edge....you can see the expanse of space and know that a beautiful vista is about to unfold before you, but you can't quite see it yet. Do you know that moment? That is were I am. There are several aspects of my life that I have been working on, striving to change or come to terms with. I've been struggling through the brush, running through the valleys, racing up hills...absolutely confident that there is something amazing, new and beautiful just ahead. I am only a few steps away from seeing that view. I know it, I can feel it coming.

There are a few major events coming that are going to change nearly everything in our lives, the largest of these being the military. For the last year or so, F has been working on joining the military. Thanks to a less than stellar recruiter, this journey has been long and frustrating. A few months ago, we made the decision to switch to the Air Force and a new recruiter. The ball is finally rolling and I am confident that we made the right decision. The prospect of becoming a military family is something that pushes you to a level of introspection and soul-searching. Can I do this? Can we do this? Is this the right decision for us, for the family that we hope to start? Those of you who know me, who know us know that we are eagerly anticipating the challenge of it and will find excitement in this process.

 The other potentially huge change will come in the next few weeks as I get answers on my health. I know that it is dreadfully unfair of me to just say that and then not explain. I feel the need to mention it here because it most certainly will change things and that must be acknowledged, but there is such fear in me that I can not give you more explanation than that because to do so would open the door and allow all of the "what ifs" to crowd into me.

We are also coming up to the beginning of a new school year. I believe so strongly in the work that we do here and am so looking forward to seeing old and new students, to the partnership with the staff and the joy of learning. With a new teacher on staff, our community is changing and growing in exciting ways and I am eager to take my place and see what direction this year will take us.

Somewhere deep inside of my mind a shift has started. It is too nebulous and small to be defined, but I can feel it stirring...just there, right at the edge of consciousness. I like to think that my unconscious self is changing and growing in preparation for the life changes that are ahead of me. A growth spurt of the soul, if you will.

There is more, I could continue my randomness and ramble on for longer, but I will save that for other days. There are errands to run and things to do. And besides, I think I may have just spotted the first ripe grape of the season.

Here we go...

This is something I have wanted to begin for several months now. 

I have missed this.

The flow of words through my mind, the crafting of sentence and paragraph.

The joy of communication, of sharing thoughts with friends, the healing and comfort that come from rejoicing, weeping, laughing, loving, grieving together. 

The conversations with readers that push my own thoughts and understandings to new heights. 

The connections that are made with friends, new and old. 

I stopped blogging a few years ago. Mostly because the blogging community I was a part of did not feel like home anymore. Writing there began to feel like a chore instead of a joy. In the last year, the wish to begin blogging and sharing again has become an ever stronger desire and need. So here I am. 

The last blog took me on such an amazing journey, filled with so many wonderful moments and kindred spirits. I have no idea where this will end up going. 

Let's find out, shall we?